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In 2012 I made an effort to Be. Present. Now.  – it was a powerful statement for me and I fought my natural predisposition to escape and be in my own world.  I truly feel that it changed my life.  I explored more, went out of my comfort zone, and discovered more about myself than ever before.  I saw things I had never seen and began to once again feel things.  I am still working on that one!  I have suppressed my desires for so long it is going to take awhile to truly get in touch with how I feel in any given situation.  The process of “showing up” instead of hiding was a major move for me.  I spent the first half of the year in Nevada hiding and the second half of the year in San Jose, CA attending meetups, going to the library every day and exploring my new city with the help of Foursquare – I do love a game.

I learned to recognize when I was “zoning out” and I brought myself back.  I read books on psychology and communication and I realized how removed I had been from my life.  I was on automatic pilot.  I did whatever was required of me at the time – no thought, no feeling, just doing.  When I no longer had a job dictating what I needed to do I was lost – I still am a bit lost.  I don’t know how to define myself anymore.  I never had too – someone/something else always did.  Even as a student I was defined – no thought, just do.  Follow the rules and don’t color outside the lines. 

I was good at that.  I excelled at doing what needed to be done for a job or assignment to be successful.  It was easy for me; I saw everything as a formula.  Do this – get that.  How much easier could it be?  I listened well and followed directions – even though I never read instructions, I can follow a syllabus like nobody’s business!  At work I anticipated needs and made sure everything was done in a timely manner and even went a couple steps further most of the time.  Life was great. 

Then it wasn’t.  Downsized.  Contract ended.  Devastation.  Opportunity.  A new way of life.  A better way of life.  You can do anything you want to do.  Wow.  Ummmm, I don’t know how to do THAT.  I can bet I am not alone.  So many others are in this position too.  We were “trained” to go to school, get a job and everything would be okay.  Not so much anymore.  Now we have to recreate ourselves and sell ourselves to a new generation.  If you are like me, you’ve never had to sell yourself.  You were good at your job and it spoke for itself.  Now you have to be a walking billboard of your accomplishments and you are uncomfortable.  I know I am.

So what am I doing about it?  My new perspective:  Speak My Truth.  Yes, in 2013 I am going to go out on a limb and become who I Am.  Not who everyone wants me to be, or who I have always been.  Instead, I am going to be who I am capable of being.  The person I’ve always known I should be but never had the guts to follow through.  It may take me all year.  I may fail.  But that’s my goal.  What’s yours?

I did it!  I finished my NaNoWriMo month of novel writing.  It was a lot of fun.  I learned a lot and I discovered I can actually write 50,000 words in less than one month in addtional to my Morning Pages (I average about 1,500 - 2000 words every morning).  It is amazing what thoughts i have and it feels so good to get them out there.  I have a lot of design and revisions to do, and I want to add a workbook before I publish it, but I am really excited.  I am very happy with how it turned out.

If you are interested in the book, here's a link to the info:

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